Life's a Beach

The topic of this Pozitively Pat is how important it is allow ourselves to experience some not-so-positive feelings and then take the next steps to positive living.

The other day, a client was struggling with sad feelings. She didn’t like feeling sad, even though she had a reason. When I asked her what it would be like if she simply allowed herself to be, to let the sadness wash over her and allow herself to feel it, she challenged me. “How does that fit in with being positive?”

My answer to her was that the positive part comes in because she knows positively that she can be sad and still get through it. Then I told her the following story to encourage her:

I used to say that I am not a beach person until my husband coaxed me to go to the beach for a vacation and I learned that I am a beach person; I’m just not an ocean person.

Perhaps it was the experience of being tumbled when I was four. I barely remember that one. Or it could be the more terrifying experience of being on a raft and having the ocean pull me out farther than I cared to be when I was a young adult. I can still feel the terror of that one, when I dwell on it.

Anyway, last month I decided to go into the ocean with Steve for a few minutes. He walked steadily into the surf and out to where the waves were cresting. I stood my ground at the water line. My toes were clenched, my heels were dug in and I was determined not to be swept off my feet.

As I stood there, tiny pieces of broken shell assaulted my feet and ankles. It was painful. I struggled and withstood the pain for several minutes as I watched Steve, who was about 10 feet further out. The pain must have been visible on my face because he shouted encouragement, “You can walk out here by me and you won’t get so battered. The water’s not too deep and the bottom sand is soft. Just wait for a calm spell and come on out.”

Sure enough, there was a break in the waves and I trustingly started walking out to join Steve. As I slowly, cautiously took step by excruciating step, I looked down to see my ankles, calves and knees getting engulfed by the cold water. The worst part was when the water came up to my waist. Brrr, that was cold.

Before I knew it, Steve was holding my hand. He was right. The bottom felt soft under my feet. My body adjusted quickly to the cold and it actually felt refreshing. The waves lightly lifted us a few inches then gently put us down before they rolled past and broke between us and the beach. After truly enjoying the feeling of weightlessness for ages (oh, all right, it was really about 5 minutes) I remembered how enjoyable it was back on a beach chair with a book.

Cautiously, I waited until there was another lull in the waves. Then, as soon as it came, I quickly walked toward the beach so I wouldn’t get tumbled by an unexpected breaker. As I waded through the really shallow area, I again stepped on some sharp shells and had my ankles battered. But I didn’t struggle against the pull. I simply kept putting one foot in front of the other until I reached the solid sand.

“What is coming up for you about this story?” I asked my client.

“I get it.” She said. “It’s what we were talking about before.”

“Occasional sadness is a part of life just like some roughness is a part of the ocean. Knowing that it’s just a part of life and having confidence that you’ll get through it is the key. I have the tools (like your strong legs and desire to get to Steve) and I have the support (like Steve encouraging you and holding your hand) so I can get through this sadness. When I feel better, I’ll enjoy the peace for as long as I want, kind of rest there, then move back through the hard part stronger and more purposeful than before.”

“Great!” I encouraged, “So, what are you going to do now?”

“I’ve already had my good cry and your support so I’m going to take care of some normal chores and relax in the quiet of my day.” She said, “Later, if I start to feel sad again, I’ll know that it is not weakness. I’m strong and I can be sad for a while, without feeling guilty about it.”

“Can we boil that down to a few words that will remind you about what you’ve learned today?” I asked.

She thought for awhile, then answered, “Sure, we’ve said it before, I just forgot about it in this case, ‘It’s okay to let yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.’ “